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NLP Gems – [2] “Understand that everyone has their own model of the world”

The road to rapport** is based on the knowledge and understanding from the previous NLP gem [1]. You now know that everyone occupies and functions in a world of self defined reality; we need to understand that everyone else in the world is making up the same things.  The best part is that you now know how you function and that you are experiencing life by working via a map and a menu of choices.  Virtually everyone believes that everything they think and feel and experience is real; let us not forget that and it is real for them. Acknowledge that.

Rapport is achieved the moment when you can “climb into” and function “inside” someone else’s model of the world – this is called “pacing”; i.e. you maintain pace by changing you behaviour to follow other peoples views of reality – in order to understand or experience things their way (. . . . of course you may leave at any time you like). It is far easier to influence change once you have established rapport with the other person. Influence is often based on an approach called leading. Leading is what takes place once you begin to add to or expand someone else’s reality map of the world. In effect you are providing a menu of choices – by limiting the choice you are in effect applying the leading model to influence (or even control!). Of course everyone feels they have choice but it’s up to everyone to understand the limits and then choose.

One of the driving forces behind NLP is choice  Accept and acknowledge other models of the world, and should you wish to change a model,  I would recommend we all  behave respectfully and courteously, and ensure sure if you are re-arranging (“installing”) a map that it provides far greater flexibility for the person or persons concerned. Tread gently and you will succeed.

A skill one learns from world of NLP is recognizing “stuckness”, and learning how to break out in keeping with the saying “One choice is no choice, two choices is a dilemma (double bind anyone?) , three [or more] choices is choice”  – flexibility is the way one obtains choice.

In systems theory the part of the system that can adapt best, be most influential, and has best chance of achieving its goals, is often not the most forceful part, but the part that has most flexibility and least rigidity in its responses.

A good NLP’er can, cast aside assumptions, refrain from presupposing (judging) things about people, continually refine delicate but acute observational skills, acquire a broad and flexible repertoire of choices.

Richard Bandler says, “The ability to change the process by which we experience reality is often more valuable than changing the content of our experience of reality.”

**Rapport is the term for the quality of experience between two communicating parties, (i.e. “how well you are getting on with other people at any given time”), it is a highly subjective term. Some people say it is something you do. I personally believe that it is a state that one achieves. You either have it or you don’t!

Good rapport is noticeable by the sense of ease with another person or party, trust, and easy flow of dialog among people.

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